The Five Tenants of Calvinism

Approximately 30 different sites on the Internet make reference to the “five tenants of Calvinism.”

None of them, however, has revealed who those five tenants are.

So now, for the first time in the history of the Internet, I will reveal every one of the five tenants:

  1. John Calvin – room “T”
  2. Jonathan Edwards – room “U”
  3. Charles Spurgeon – room “L”
  4. Abraham Kuyper – room “I”
  5. John Piper – room “P” (he also rents rooms “B” and “D”, according to the records)

Some uncomfortable questions are left unanswered, however, I admit. Like how much rent do they pay? Is the actual apartment complex in Geneva, New Haven, or Minneapolis? Do the four dead ones have some kind of permanent arrangement? Are those 30 websites trying to hide these five identities from us, or do they just not know?

Disclaimer: We all have our typos and malapropisms! I do not post this in order to reflect negatively on Calvinists or Armenians! Please believe me! Words just delight me, that’s all. =)

Mark Ward

PhD in NT; theological writer for Faithlife; former high school Bible textbook author for BJU Press; husband; father; ultimate frisbee player; member of the body of Christ.


  1. Duncan on January 23, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    I have a few uncomfortable questions too. Can they be evicted? Can anyone else move in after them? What exactly would that mean anyway?

  2. chadman on January 23, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    Oh the amazing free time of a wordsmith. 🙂 My view of communication is the recipient understands exactly what the communicator meant no matter what was actually said. Guess that is the freedom I have as a layman. (I have another seminary friend who doesn’t seem to agree with my definition. I should send your post to him. He’ll probably love it.)

    Early on in my IT career I sent out an email to an office full of attorneys, informing them a system would be down for maintenance. I ended the email with “thank you for your patients.” I received some very interesting and humorous comments back from a group of a few hundred people whose whole life revolves around the meaning of words. Hey if the spell check doesn’t catch anything then it must be good enough right? Ha ha.

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